Grieving Through the Holidays: Moving Forward into the New Year After Losing a Mom
Understanding the Emotional Transition
As we step into the new year, those of us who are missing our moms often face a whirlwind of emotions. For a grieving daughter, the transition from one year to the next can feel like we're leaving a part of ourselves – and our mothers – behind. However, it's critical to remember that moving forward doesn't mean you’re leaving her memory or the love you feel for her behind. She is and always will be a part of you, living within you through cherished memories and moments.
Challenging Societal Expectations
During the holiday season, societal norms and expectations can amplify our feelings of loss. There's an underlying pressure to curate the ideal family gathering, to create the perfect holiday setting, or to appear happy and grateful despite an undercurrent of grief. This year, let’s consciously step away from these societal “shoulds”, ok? It’s entirely acceptable to experience the holidays in a way that feels right for you, even if it deviates from traditional norms. What’s a norm, anyway? It’s just something that most other people do. If you’ve lost your mom, you’re already not like most other people this year. So let’s own that difference. Give yourself permission for this holiday season to be “not normal”, to release yourself from others’ expectations when you can, and see if that brings some relief. If you’re coping with the recent death of a mother, lean on the knowledge that next year will be different. No matter what the 2024 holidays bring, they’ll be different from this year’. That’s a guarantee.
Reimagining 'Home for the Holidays'
On a holiday-themed Motherless Daughters Community Call, we redefined the concept of "Home for the Holidays" together in a way that can honor our personal experiences and memories.
We began by listing all the words we each associate with “Home.” The responses were diverse and heartfelt – from “belonging” and “safety” to detailed memories of family and childhood, with “mom” being a recurrent theme. We then shifted our focus to the words and images we associate with "Holidays," generating another wide array of responses like “presents”, “snow”, and lights.
You can try this exercise yourself. What does "Home" bring to mind for you? List the words that immediately come up. Then do the same for "Holidays".
For me, "Home" still evokes memories of the house where I grew up, the last place where my mom was physically present. And "Holidays" reminds me of outdoor lights, a family tradition from my childhood.
Now, here's the holiday grief hack: How can you blend two or more of these associations into a comforting, personal holiday tradition this year?
Personalizing the Experience: A Step-by-Step Guide
Choosing a Symbol of “Home”: Reflect on what “Home” means to you. What tangible item can encapsulate this feeling? It might be a cherished photo, a family heirloom, or a simple keepsake.
Incorporating a Holiday Element: Next, identify what “Holidays” signifies for you. Find a physical item that represents this holiday element.
Creating Your Unique Blend: Combine these elements in a way that speaks to you. For example, if you’ve chosen “Mom” and “light,” consider lighting a candle next to her photograph. If your words are "warmth" and "presents,” maybe put some wrapped gifts on your mantlepiece. Or if you don't have a fireplace, put a present in the kitchen next to your oven. Why not? It'll make you smile when you see it.
I don't have many items from my childhood home, but one of my prized possessions is a crystal vase my parents received as a wedding gift in 1960. I've displayed it in every house I've lived in since. And, because I love outdoor lights, I keep some wrapped around the trees in my backyard year-round.
So, every year now, I fill the crystal vase with my favorite flowers and place it on a table with a view of the backyard. At night, I see the vase ("Home") with the lights ("Holidays") shining through the window behind it, and it gives me a warm feeling of "Home for the Holidays" whenever I walk past.
Sharing and Connecting
This activity is more than a mental exercise; it's a heartfelt way to keep the essence of our mothers alive, transcending physical space and time. I invite you to try this and share your unique combinations on my Facebook Author's page or Instagram.
A Warm Conclusion to the Year
As this year draws to a close, all of us at Motherless Daughters send you our warmest wishes for a tranquil transition into the new year. Let's step into 2024 with our mothers held close in our hearts, crafting a personalized sense of “home” wherever we may be.